Orange and then Happy Elephants

I am giving myself over to the universe. I no longer have control and so I need to give in and let go. As heart wrenching and frightening as it is.

Things Im going to do:
Go to the beach a shitload more
Start rock climbing again
Go on hikes all the time like i used to
Do school even if it kills my social life (since I’m essentially murdering it myself)
Get back to writing more

I don’t need any thing or any one. All I need is myself, my health and my passion for life. To hold onto these things as if it were for my life because it truly is. No longer will I dilute my experiences.

When I smoke…I never feel like I’m NOT sober really (unless I’m just super stupid faded but I don’t do that very often). When I drink- it’s obvious that I’m intoxicated. I realize it and recognize it. But when I smoke… It’s so much more just like switching over to that awesome perspective I get sometimes. It doesn’t just come from smoking- I get it at Burning Man, taking really intense drives, looking at the sky sometimes, talking to my mom. It’s like happier. I feel smart and pretty and hopeful an holy. I compare it to taking a pill for a headache. Or shit- like my anti depressants- sans gnarly side effects. Yeah. I chose this.

Sometimes I wish he had just cheated on me.
It would’ve been so much easier to end it if I had been able to just hate him.
Instead I was forced to forsake a love that cultivated for 3 years. The first love I ever did right and gave a shit about.
But it still ended.
And my heart still aches when I think about it.
And when I dream at night, we’re still together.
I hate feeling so many ways about things.

Feeling so many goddamn ways about things

Thank you, lady Tim Gunn that I forget the name of, for making it a big deal that no woman could wear a bra with any of these goddamn dresses! Women (with big tits) [have] to wear underwear with their clothes!

Boys that don’t know how to be men. Fuck your day.

Waste of a perfectly clean fucking outfit.